Unconditional Love?

I’ve been thinking about love a lot lately. Specifically, the kind of love I’ve experienced in my life. For instance unconditional love. Which is the first love that we experience, if we’re fortunate, from our families. Sometimes that love lasts most of our lives and sometimes we lose that love early in life. It was the latter for me.

When my family found out I was a lesbian their unconditional love transformed in what seemed like a heartbeat into very conditional love. That was a horrible experience to see that love almost literally drain from my family right before my eyes.

As is the case with many young people who lose that kind of love way too early, I began to look for it in romantic relationships.

In my teen years I began to seek and expect unconditional love from my romantic relationships. I expected my romantic partners to be there for me all the time, no matter what I needed. I wanted from them the same feeling of security I had lost.

Love and happiness
Wait a minute
something’s going wrong
Someone’s on the phone
Three o’clock in the morning

Talkin’ about, how she can make it right
Well, happiness is when
You really feel good, about somebody
Nothing wrong with being in love with someone

What appeared to be that kind of love would often be given in the very beginning of relationships. In the heat and passion of new relationships we can become almost superhuman in the amount of love we give. The difference, however, between that passionate love and unconditional love is that passion wains. As the passion retreats into a more realistic everyday kind of love, so does the unconditional-ness.

In my early twenties I met and began a relationship with a woman whom I thought would be the love of my life. A woman who seemingly without much effort gave me the kind of unconditional love that I was so hungry for.

It was what seemed like the perfect relationship. She was beautiful, super smart, understanding, gentle and most importantly, loved me unconditionally. Our love continued to deepen as time passed. It seemed like our capacity to love each other was limitless. Finally, I had what I wanted. I was happy and I was content. I imagined a future filled with love and happiness. I felt so lucky to have found the love of my life at such a young age.

I also felt vindicated. I had listened to the little voice in my head tell me that I wasn’t going to find unconditional love possibly ever and certainly not so easily. But, I had. And, I was smug in that love.

The relationship seemed to just keep blooming, day after day, year after year. I shared all of me with her and she shared all with me. Having that foundation of love allowed me to be confidant as I navigated life. I already had what I needed from her, so out in the world I was bulletproof.

Actually though I was bulletproof until I wasn’t. There was a day. A day that it all blew-up. A very confusing day. One that I didn’t have even the slightest clue was coming. That was the day our relationship ended. It ended with her being gone. Just gone. No reason given. No goodbyes. No last conversation detailing why. She was just gone. To this day I don’t know what happened. I haven’t talked to her since that day. My tries to contact her were met with changed numbers and cryptic conversations with mutual friends.

Of course in the time, after the dust of the end of that relationship settled, I fantasized about her returning. How she would come back to un-break my heart. Since then I’ve heard things. I know that she’s okay. I’ve even been given her number a few times in the years since by mutual friends. I haven’t called though. What to say?

But, I’ve learned something from that relationship. Something that I really didn’t know for sure before it. I learned that I am capable of what I desire most, unconditional love. Because despite the pain of losing her. Despite the mysterious way the relationship ended. I still love her. Maybe it’s sad to say but, I’d take her back in a heartbeat.

That’s unconditional love, right?

Do you believe in unconditional love?
Am I the only one who craves it?

20 thoughts on “Unconditional Love?

  1. I believe in unconditional love Val.

    Nice post.

    A few years back one of my so called friends was grousing about his son. He was angry at him for any number of reasons, mistakes and choices he’d made. I listened to him but I knew that he wasn’t really upset over the points he was highlighting, he was upset because his son came out to he and his wife. He said he had no idea that his son was gay. He asked me what I would do if I found out my son or daughter were gay. I told him that I’d love them, since they are my children and their happiness is very much important to me. You know what he did, he told his son that he wasn’t welcome in his own home anymore. I told him that I felt sorry for him. He told me that he wasn’t looking for sympathy. I told him that I didn’t feel that way because of his son’s decision, I felt that way because he was so fucking ignornat and he allowed that to impact his relationship with someone he should love unconditionally.

    He still doesn’t talk to me.

    • Wow, Reggie, I wish I could say I haven’t heard almost that same exact story over and over before. And so many LGBT kids end-up on the street or even worse. Yep, hate and bigotry sometimes seem stronger than unconditional love.

      Thanks. 🙂

  2. I believe in unconditional love and I think it is natural for people to crave it. I crave it sometimes but I know I have to be careful and conscious so I won’t get into another hazardous relationship. I also learned how to provide myself with the unconditional love than I need so when I do love it is not out of a desperate place. Great post!

  3. This post really made me think. I believe in unconditional love, but I don’t know if I’ve experienced it from anyone other than my dad or my kids. Hmmmmm.

  4. Thinking, thinking, thinking…. I don’t know…perhaps that quest is what keeps us going until the end of life…an unattainable goal for which we are continously striving I believe…darn Val, I’ll be thinking on this all day now! 🙂

  5. I really enjoyed this post, I’m not sure if unconditional love exists in our human understanding of it. But I know the love from God I experience is truly that ideal love we wish we could experience with each other.
    This story reminded me of how I am with friends, I tend to give a lot of myself…and then am thoroughly confused when people just walk away.
    I’m sorry that your family’s love changed, but you always have your virtual family!
    Thanks for sharing.

    • God? Yeah, I need to explore God more. My problem is I always get totally turned off by religion. I know God and religion are two different things but, sometimes it’s hard to separate the two. I suppose I need to do some soul searching.



  6. “That’s unconditional love, right?”
    Ahhhh GOING BY What I just read… NO!!! Your LOVE For Her is UNREQUITED Love Though… Now from YOUR Perspective as far as YOUR TRUE Feelings towards Y’all SHARED EXPERIENCES TOGETHER then Yes (It is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE From Your Viewpoint…)

    My UNCONDITIONAL LOVE came from MY Grand-Parents from BOTH SIDES of My Family-Tree and I GAVE THAT Right back TO THEM (R.I.P.)

    The Closest thing to Unconditional Love was from MY BM and Ex-Wife but Their Love along with The Ridiculous Possessive JEALOUSY they had for me MADE THESE Females Emotionally Unstable… To The POINT where One attempted Suicide TWICE in a effort to keep me around in HER LIFE and The Other trying to POISON ME because She didn’t want me to live IF IT WASN’T BEING WITH HER (Being So MF-ing Real Here…) SMDH

    Great Post and The comments ALSO (YUPPP…)

    • She tried to poison you?! Yikes, ELove. And, the other tried to commit suicide? Wow. That’s definitely not love. There are a lot of emotionally wounded people walking around. That’s for sure.

      Did you date these women back-to-back?

      I wouldn’t say it was unrequited love. She loved me. Just not unconditionally, apparently.


      • Ohhhh I KNOW She Loved You…. I was just speaking on the UNCONDITIONAL LUV from Her though… And I Feel Ya (On The APPARENTLY…) Like They say —-> ACTIONS Speaks #YouKnowTheREST ;-D

        NOT Back-to-Back but OUR LIVES ended up Intertwining Though (SMALL-World Scenario…) O_o But THESE EVENTS were Totally Separate Scenarios and Not Connected (LIFE is a Str8 Trip at Times…)

  7. Greetings Val. You pose a very interesting & probing question here.

    I’m not sure if love is a rational choice because the heart gets involved & the heart is rarely logical. But I DO think Unconditional Love is a conscious choice when that Love is PURE, present, STRONG & enduring enough for one to not place restrictions or limitations upon it. The unconditional kind is the truest definition of Real Love there can ever be.


    • Hiya, Lin!

      That’s true, unconditional love is a choice, it’s not necessarily just going to happen unless one puts some effort into it.

      I hope all is going great for you!

  8. Yup… a SINCERE effort is most definitely needed for unconditional love to work. Just wish more people would at least TRY to put forth that effort.

    Things are progressing nicely, Val. Thx for asking. I should be making a big announcement w/in the next month or so.

    SJ, my Friend!


  9. Pingback: IF…. | Comfortably Numb

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